Earning Their Wings

Imagine you awoke to find your clothes laid out for you, what you would have for breakfast had already been decided; and your whole day was planned without any input from you. Perhaps you’d feel frustrated, annoyed, maybe even a wee bit angry. Perhaps you’d feel like throwing yourself down on floor, kicking and screaming as loud as you could in protest.

Welcome to toddlerhood!

Twos are not so terrible, they are just terribly misunderstood.

A child arrives in this world a helpless, dependant creature, totally reliant on others to provide for it’s every need. Though the cord is cut at birth an infant is still attached to the mother, it does not see itself as independent from her. To a baby its mother is an extension of itself. She is their whole world.

Throughout the first year of life an infant masters many new skills. They learn to roll over, sit up, crawl, cruise, walk… As they become more mobile their world expands. They begin to see that there is life beyond the tiny family circle that surrounded them. They begin to view themselves as individual and separate from their mother.

With this realization they begin to develop a need for autonomy. They begin to feel a need to assert themselves as individuals. Parents often don’t recognize this need, or are reluctant to accept their toddler’s need for independence. Many of the meltdowns that toddlers (and subsequently parents of toddlers) experience could have been avoided if parents embraced this need and gave their toddler some control over their lives and environment.

What does that mean?

It is a simple as giving some of the power in your toddler’s life to your toddler. It’s all about choices. If every decision in your life was made for you from what colour shirt you wear, to what you eat, to where you go was made for you, you’d probably have a meltdown too.

By offering your toddler simple choices such as “Which shirt do you want to wear today, the blue shirt or the red shirt?” or “Would you like Cheerios or Shreddies for breakfast?” you are giving him/her some power over their own lives. By offering these simple choices to your toddler you are helping them develop as a person. You are building their self- esteem and confidence, helping them to develop decision making skills and reducing power struggles and conflict.

I always tell parents to pick their battles wisely. Does it really matter which shirt your child wears to daycare? Is this going to matter in week from now, six months, a year? If the answer is no then why stress yourself and your toddler out over it.

There are two lasting bequests we can give our children,

one is roots, and the other is wings.
Hodding Carter

Desperately Seeking Attention

Have you ever noticed that the kids are quite content to play peacefully and quietly until the moment you decide to make a phone call, log on to check your work email, or start to prepare supper etc...?

Children have a natural need for attention and the sad reality is that with the busy schedules and competing demands of work and family often the only attention they are given is negative.

Let’s be honest when children are not seen or heard they are often forgotten about. When they are in their bedroom playing contently or parked in front of the TV with video games it is easy to ignore them. Why disturb the peace? That is prime time we can use to catch up on chores, housework, office work and if we are really lucky maybe even squeeze in a little bit of me or couple time.

The problem is that if we don't notice and praise the positive our children, will learn that if they want our attention they will have to do something dramatic to get it. They learn quickly that in order to compete with everything else going on in our lives they have to be loud, silly, annoying or non-compliant. They learn quick and easy ways that are sure to get mom or dad's attention.

For a child any attention is better than no attention.

Without meaning to we have rewarded our children for misbehaving, and thus by our own actions have most likely assured that negative behaviour will be repeated. If this scenario sounds familiar you may be asking yourself how then, do we break out of the attention seeking cycle?

It's as simple as a shift in focus. As simple as making a conscious effort to focus on the positive and ignore the negative attention seeking behaviour. This method has been proven effective when parents have the commitment to follow through; with planned ignoring of minor negative behaviour; and offer notice, praise and encouragement of positive behaviours. Simple gestures such as a thumbs up, high 5 or pat on the back from a parent go far in raising a child's confidence and boosting their spirit.

It is the quality of the time we spend with our children not the quantity that counts. By spending short bits of time engaged in enjoyable activities with our children we meet their need for attention in a way that benefits both of us. Sharing an after school snack together, walking to the corner to check the mail, reading a bedtime story... precious moments like these will strengthen the bond you share and will help your child feel more valued and secure.

~Your children need your presence more than your presents. ~

Jesse Jackson